Ehh! Now sometimes we may be a long distance away from home lakini we have
to discuss issues affecting us or our kin. Kenya is shangazaring us sana.
Wonders never cease. If you are one of those people who believe somethings are
impossible, you need to visit Kenya, the land where anything can happen. Who
would have thought Kenya would be a target of the Arab world retaliation against
the US?? on a normal day a bomb just explodes out of nowhere. Let me describe
a typical Kenyan's day.
Your alarm clock wakes you up at 5 am, you strain your ears to listen for Kukus
crowing to confirm the time, then you tune your radio to BBC even if you know that
none of the news affects you. You sikiza the news till 7am when you tune in to
KBC. After that, you ruka out of your bed and jump into the bathroom. Since the
shower is broken, you fill the basin with cold water from the water storage mtungi
and then squat and throw the water over your body. You grab that imperial leather
sabuni and apply it over, then stretch to grab the sisal flannel and u scrub yourself
thorough. After that, you rinse yourself, then grab that soap stone and sugua the
hell out of your feet. Now that everything is over, you malizia the bath with the
exciting part. You lift the basin over your head and pour the remaining water over
your body. Ahh! you then grab your towel and leave the bathroom whistling, proud
of showering coz there hadn't been maji for 1 week. You make your way to the
kitchen where you pour some maji into a sufuria and begin making your strong
tea. You only make tea with milk when there are visitors. You take out some maize
cobs and begin boiling them in another sufuria. Strungi and Mahindi for breakfast
isn't so mbaya. after breakfast, you wear your suit, grab your umbrella, and leave
the house. You leave a note saying that you've gone to work even though you are
jobless. As soon as you fika the bus stop, you buy 1 roster, some roast maize,
and then Mutua, the maize man fills you in on the latest gossip around town. That
time Kamau, the jamaa selling sweets and sigaras is katiaring Akinyi, the mboch
from across the street who has come to buy sigaras for her boss. As for Wafula,
the newspaper man, the jamaa is doing his thing running from car to car asking, "
Nation ama standard" that time his mikonos are full of koboles for change. You
grab one gazetti and begin somaring it polepole when you spot the 8.00 bus
coming . You prepare yourself for the scrum about to erupt as soon as the bus
arrives. Kwanza you begin angaliaring that fat mama badly coz u jua she's the only
one who may give you hell while trying to board the bus.
As soon as it fikas, you are there
scrambling like there's no Kesho. As soon as you are inside, you secure a spot
on the bus engine , that ka place next to the driver where guys usually sit. The
driver looks at you blankly then looks away and continues with the journey. By the
time you've fikad valley road on your way to downtown, your butt is chomekaring
coz of the engine heat. You look at the driver hoping that he can speed up, then
you check to see whether this is one of the new buses ama it's the old mkate
shaped ones. Ahhaaa it's an old one. You can tell by the maize cob which has
been stuck on the gear thus making it easier for the driver to shift gears. You sikia
krrrrch krrrch, krrrch krrrch and you don't have to think twice about who it is. It's the
conductor.. wooiiii!! time to flee mbele you don't have the 5 bob fare. You tell the
driver to shukisha you at the next bus-stop which is New-Stanley. You shuka there
and before the bus leaves, you sprint to the back of the bus. Whew! you have
hepad him, now by the time the bus fikas Posta, the makanga wouldn't have
made it back. When the bus fikas Posta, you make your way to the door only to
meet an inspector.......S***t. you bend and pick a fallen ticket on the floor and hand
it to him. He angalias it then says, " na wewe kwani wewe ni mtoto eh?? mbona
umelipa transport ya mtoto?" you don't even wait to hear A, B or C you burst
through the door and flee like there's no kesho. The jamaa pigas nduru, " shika
yeye huyo!!!!!!!!!!!!!" That's when the idlers in town go into action. They assume
you are a thief and would like some physical practise on you. More guys join in
now! the idlers, the jamaas with stress from home, and the real thieves, who have
figured that while the crowd is acting on you, they can pick some pockets. By the
time you have fikad moi avenue, there are like 1000 jamaas on your heels and
believe me 96% of them don't know why they are chasing you. This is serious
mpaka already guys of nation and standard have joined in the chase. Manze,
even the chokoras are chasing after you. Now at this point the crowd chasing you
is so large mpaka the guys who are in front of you start running away thinking it's a
riot instead of juaring that it's only someone who never paid for the bus ticket who
has caused all this now that there are people ahead and behind you, no one really
knows wassup so the crowd continues running. Guys kata a corner and start
running down Haile Sellassie avenue towards machakos airport. At this point the
story has changed. It's become ati cops are chaparing guys in town. The crowd is
now close to 600 people. As you run by wakulima market, a group branches off to
go loot the vegetables and fruits there while the rest continue. At this point you slip
on a banana peel and ...................................paaaaaaa!! you kula your head on the
tarmac like a try. You say your last prayers as the crowd bears upon you. You are
kanyagwad, kanyagwad, while you are screaming............wooooooooiii
wooooooooiiiii maskini maskini hurumia mimi. Then the kanyagaring stops. You
get up from the ground thanking God for sparing you when you realise that the
crowd wasn't chaparing you, they just ran over you. Ala? why? you look behind
you, open your mouth wide, then turn and take off after the crowd without caring
about the fact that you've been kanyagwad and are looking like one of those
mandazis that used to be sold at Shauri Moyo market. The painful truth is that
there are GSU jamaas coming at you full swing. "They must have been
misinformed", you think to yourself, but there's no time to
explain................masaaa. when the crowd fikas machakos bus station, hell breaks
loose. Si u jua this is the place where everything starts. Jamaas group themselves
into shifts. 1st shift jamaas will bout the cops till noon, 2nd shift till 4 pm and 3rd
shift till usiku . The 1st shift jamaas are the ones we know as eveready. all they do
is sit in the bars boozing day and night waiting for chaos to erupt so that they can
get free stuff. These jamaas emerge from akina Rwathia day and night club,
Karumaindo, and Kerugoya express bar. Jamaas take on the cops with mawes,
chupas and everything in the books. At that point, jamaas of second shift and third
shift assume positions in the bars to get the adrenaline and syke up. Jamaas
chapana sana. All u can see is objects flying women and watois fleeing, teargas
is all over etc.
While all this is happening south of the city, there's also drama in the city center.
Guys of city council have descended on hawkers and there is chaos like a
problem. Women with kiddos are rukaring into moving vehicles, nyanyas and
vitunguus are flying all over , chokoras are busy okotaring those chipos which
guys who were chucking from luthuli dropped, makangas raise the bus fare by 5
bucks, more GSUs are brought into the city, Jamaas of second shift have fought
the cops back into the city center. The cops and city council jamaas combine,
while the chokoras, idlers, touts, high school skivers gang up . The bout is fierce
sana.
At the same time, a prominent politician has sent hooligans to Nairobi university's
main campus to chapa some student leaders. The students group up and unleash
fury on the hooligans who have been brought from some slum, the fighting pours
onto the streets of the city where both these groups gang up against the cops. so
now we have. GSU, cops, city council, AP's versus, touts, hawkers, idlers, high
school skivers, chokoras, and university students. Ohhhhh!!!!!!! how could I forget,
this is the same day when there was supposed to be a teacher strike. You can
see the teachers coming down Kenyatta Avenue protesting with the placards and
waving twigs etc. With the corner of your eye you see another crowd coming from
the other side. This crowd is apparently uniformed and don't have placards or
twigs, they have stones, sticks and nyahunyos. Ahhhhh!!!! these are high school
kids protesting corruption among teachers and harrasment. You stand aside as
the two groups run into each other and engage in a fierce battle.
Now we have teachers, high school students, university students, GSU, cops,
AP's , City council officers, touts, hawkers, chokoras, idlers, and high school
skivers. whew!!! there is bout on ever street in the city. Nearby some langas on
K-street are rolling a jamaa who thought he had a free ride and refused to lipa.
Then you are like...............whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!! how could you forget! this was
superbowl weekend in Kenya. Yaani Gor Mahia was playing AFC for moi golden
cup championship. you look at your watch............damn!!!! the game just ended.
You know that those fans are rolling wherever they are and are probably on their
way to the city center. You have made your way to Nyayo house. You figure out
that if you sprint to the top of that ka hill of uhuru park, you will see all the visangas
happening in town. You dash into a shop where jamaas are looting, grab a pair of
savco jeans, a chicago bulls kofia, and some moccassins, then you dash
out...wait!!!!!!!! u run back and emerge from the store a few minutes later riding a
brand new blackie. You fly with that thing like there is no kesho mpaka you fika the
top of the hill. Once up there, you look at what was once your beautiful city in
sorrow. You look towards Nyayo stadium and see the fighting soccer fans arriving
in the city center. You see akina Microsoft Opiyo and Internet Odhiambo throwing
mawes like there's no kesho.
Now we have teachers, high school students , university students, GSU, cops,
AP's, City council officers, touts, hawkers, chokoras, idlers, high school skivers,
langas, and now hooligans taken over the city. You walk to the nearby NSSF
building to take a rest . As you reach the building, you see a small commotion at
the basement parking entrance....................... then you see a
van...................................then you see two Arab jamaas.......................................then
you know what to expect next. You faint!
by Mezesha crew 
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