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KENYAN GOSSIP


Ehh! Now sometimes we may be a long distance away from home lakini we have to discuss issues affecting us or our kin. Kenya is shangazaring us sana. Wonders never cease. If you are one of those people who believe somethings are impossible, you need to visit Kenya, the land where anything can happen. Who would have thought Kenya would be a target of the Arab world retaliation against the US?? on a normal day a bomb just explodes out of nowhere. Let me describe a typical Kenyan's day.
Your alarm clock wakes you up at 5 am, you strain your ears to listen for Kukus crowing to confirm the time, then you tune your radio to BBC even if you know that none of the news affects you. You sikiza the news till 7am when you tune in to KBC. After that, you ruka out of your bed and jump into the bathroom. Since the shower is broken, you fill the basin with cold water from the water storage mtungi and then squat and throw the water over your body. You grab that imperial leather sabuni and apply it over, then stretch to grab the sisal flannel and u scrub yourself thorough. After that, you rinse yourself, then grab that soap stone and sugua the hell out of your feet. Now that everything is over, you malizia the bath with the exciting part. You lift the basin over your head and pour the remaining water over your body. Ahh! you then grab your towel and leave the bathroom whistling, proud of showering coz there hadn't been maji for 1 week. You make your way to the kitchen where you pour some maji into a sufuria and begin making your strong tea. You only make tea with milk when there are visitors. You take out some maize cobs and begin boiling them in another sufuria. Strungi and Mahindi for breakfast isn't so mbaya. after breakfast, you wear your suit, grab your umbrella, and leave the house. You leave a note saying that you've gone to work even though you are jobless. As soon as you fika the bus stop, you buy 1 roster, some roast maize, and then Mutua, the maize man fills you in on the latest gossip around town. That time Kamau, the jamaa selling sweets and sigaras is katiaring Akinyi, the mboch from across the street who has come to buy sigaras for her boss. As for Wafula, the newspaper man, the jamaa is doing his thing running from car to car asking, " Nation ama standard" that time his mikonos are full of koboles for change. You grab one gazetti and begin somaring it polepole when you spot the 8.00 bus coming . You prepare yourself for the scrum about to erupt as soon as the bus arrives. Kwanza you begin angaliaring that fat mama badly coz u jua she's the only one who may give you hell while trying to board the bus. As soon as it fikas, you are there scrambling like there's no Kesho. As soon as you are inside, you secure a spot on the bus engine , that ka place next to the driver where guys usually sit. The driver looks at you blankly then looks away and continues with the journey. By the time you've fikad valley road on your way to downtown, your butt is chomekaring coz of the engine heat. You look at the driver hoping that he can speed up, then you check to see whether this is one of the new buses ama it's the old mkate shaped ones. Ahhaaa it's an old one. You can tell by the maize cob which has been stuck on the gear thus making it easier for the driver to shift gears. You sikia krrrrch krrrch, krrrch krrrch and you don't have to think twice about who it is. It's the conductor.. wooiiii!! time to flee mbele you don't have the 5 bob fare. You tell the driver to shukisha you at the next bus-stop which is New-Stanley. You shuka there and before the bus leaves, you sprint to the back of the bus. Whew! you have hepad him, now by the time the bus fikas Posta, the makanga wouldn't have made it back. When the bus fikas Posta, you make your way to the door only to meet an inspector.......S***t. you bend and pick a fallen ticket on the floor and hand it to him. He angalias it then says, " na wewe kwani wewe ni mtoto eh?? mbona umelipa transport ya mtoto?" you don't even wait to hear A, B or C you burst through the door and flee like there's no kesho. The jamaa pigas nduru, " shika yeye huyo!!!!!!!!!!!!!" That's when the idlers in town go into action. They assume you are a thief and would like some physical practise on you. More guys join in now! the idlers, the jamaas with stress from home, and the real thieves, who have figured that while the crowd is acting on you, they can pick some pockets. By the time you have fikad moi avenue, there are like 1000 jamaas on your heels and believe me 96% of them don't know why they are chasing you. This is serious mpaka already guys of nation and standard have joined in the chase. Manze, even the chokoras are chasing after you. Now at this point the crowd chasing you is so large mpaka the guys who are in front of you start running away thinking it's a riot instead of juaring that it's only someone who never paid for the bus ticket who has caused all this now that there are people ahead and behind you, no one really knows wassup so the crowd continues running. Guys kata a corner and start running down Haile Sellassie avenue towards machakos airport. At this point the story has changed. It's become ati cops are chaparing guys in town. The crowd is now close to 600 people. As you run by wakulima market, a group branches off to go loot the vegetables and fruits there while the rest continue. At this point you slip on a banana peel and ...................................paaaaaaa!! you kula your head on the tarmac like a try. You say your last prayers as the crowd bears upon you. You are kanyagwad, kanyagwad, while you are screaming............wooooooooiii wooooooooiiiii maskini maskini hurumia mimi. Then the kanyagaring stops. You get up from the ground thanking God for sparing you when you realise that the crowd wasn't chaparing you, they just ran over you. Ala? why? you look behind you, open your mouth wide, then turn and take off after the crowd without caring about the fact that you've been kanyagwad and are looking like one of those mandazis that used to be sold at Shauri Moyo market. The painful truth is that there are GSU jamaas coming at you full swing. "They must have been misinformed", you think to yourself, but there's no time to explain................masaaa. when the crowd fikas machakos bus station, hell breaks loose. Si u jua this is the place where everything starts. Jamaas group themselves into shifts. 1st shift jamaas will bout the cops till noon, 2nd shift till 4 pm and 3rd shift till usiku . The 1st shift jamaas are the ones we know as eveready. all they do is sit in the bars boozing day and night waiting for chaos to erupt so that they can get free stuff. These jamaas emerge from akina Rwathia day and night club, Karumaindo, and Kerugoya express bar. Jamaas take on the cops with mawes, chupas and everything in the books. At that point, jamaas of second shift and third shift assume positions in the bars to get the adrenaline and syke up. Jamaas chapana sana. All u can see is objects flying women and watois fleeing, teargas is all over etc.
While all this is happening south of the city, there's also drama in the city center. Guys of city council have descended on hawkers and there is chaos like a problem. Women with kiddos are rukaring into moving vehicles, nyanyas and vitunguus are flying all over , chokoras are busy okotaring those chipos which guys who were chucking from luthuli dropped, makangas raise the bus fare by 5 bucks, more GSUs are brought into the city, Jamaas of second shift have fought the cops back into the city center. The cops and city council jamaas combine, while the chokoras, idlers, touts, high school skivers gang up . The bout is fierce sana.
At the same time, a prominent politician has sent hooligans to Nairobi university's main campus to chapa some student leaders. The students group up and unleash fury on the hooligans who have been brought from some slum, the fighting pours onto the streets of the city where both these groups gang up against the cops. so now we have. GSU, cops, city council, AP's versus, touts, hawkers, idlers, high school skivers, chokoras, and university students. Ohhhhh!!!!!!! how could I forget, this is the same day when there was supposed to be a teacher strike. You can see the teachers coming down Kenyatta Avenue protesting with the placards and waving twigs etc. With the corner of your eye you see another crowd coming from the other side. This crowd is apparently uniformed and don't have placards or twigs, they have stones, sticks and nyahunyos. Ahhhhh!!!! these are high school kids protesting corruption among teachers and harrasment. You stand aside as the two groups run into each other and engage in a fierce battle.
Now we have teachers, high school students, university students, GSU, cops, AP's , City council officers, touts, hawkers, chokoras, idlers, and high school skivers. whew!!! there is bout on ever street in the city. Nearby some langas on K-street are rolling a jamaa who thought he had a free ride and refused to lipa. Then you are like...............whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!! how could you forget! this was superbowl weekend in Kenya. Yaani Gor Mahia was playing AFC for moi golden cup championship. you look at your watch............damn!!!! the game just ended. You know that those fans are rolling wherever they are and are probably on their way to the city center. You have made your way to Nyayo house. You figure out that if you sprint to the top of that ka hill of uhuru park, you will see all the visangas happening in town. You dash into a shop where jamaas are looting, grab a pair of savco jeans, a chicago bulls kofia, and some moccassins, then you dash out...wait!!!!!!!! u run back and emerge from the store a few minutes later riding a brand new blackie. You fly with that thing like there is no kesho mpaka you fika the top of the hill. Once up there, you look at what was once your beautiful city in sorrow. You look towards Nyayo stadium and see the fighting soccer fans arriving in the city center. You see akina Microsoft Opiyo and Internet Odhiambo throwing mawes like there's no kesho.
Now we have teachers, high school students , university students, GSU, cops, AP's, City council officers, touts, hawkers, chokoras, idlers, high school skivers, langas, and now hooligans taken over the city. You walk to the nearby NSSF building to take a rest . As you reach the building, you see a small commotion at the basement parking entrance....................... then you see a van...................................then you see two Arab jamaas.......................................then you know what to expect next. You faint!


by Mezesha crew